Mani on Wordpress

No power even to think, I rather sit somewhere and rest, I wish I could be able to find a way to get rid of these “Endless Questions�?.

1. How many fall downs are enough for someone to change the way?
2. How many times should someone forgive?
3. What is the best way not to like others?
4. What is the best way to be able to hate?

I told before, People think I have an exciting life, with lots of activities. It’s been a while that I’ve been in a hard challenge with myself to change things in a way that I want. All I want is a normal life. I don’t need others’ respect; I just want to feel happiness continuously, I don’t want to let “small people�? to grab my happiness and fall me in a situation that I am currently in,

But, The end of the story is clear, As far as I can’t find the answers to those questions, as far as I believe in giving chances to the others, as far as I am living with positives thoughts about others, I will not be able to change my situation. People will use, test, leave and forget …

If I could change I would,
To get the pain I would,
To trace every wrong move that I made I would.
If I could …

I talked to myself in a mirror today! I tried hard to convince myself to change some things in my life, It was the first time that I used this trick , I knew that I am good in convincing people, but I’ve not tested that on myself, It was not a bad experience ….

PS. I am not mad or crazy at all , I am just trying hard to overcome some feelings and change some suffering part of my life.

Writing here about myself rather than my Persian blog just means one thing, I need a little more privacy! I’ve never been this much confused, I really do not know what going to happen, From others’ sight I have a good life, at least not boring, Studying in a good university, having a good family, so much activities, so many people around and of course a permanent will to help others … But they can not see inside, just because I always pretend like I am ok, I rather not to talk about my problems and inner feelings and that makes them harder to overcome.

The more I grow, The more problems come from my relationships, Experiencing so much pressure from this point in past 6 months, fall me in a manic depression challenge, I can not understand why things get worse even though I try hard not to let them to become so, In all kind of my relationships I try not to transfer expresses to other side, I always try to help other people, I always try not to be rude, I always behave extra logical, I always try not to offend people, I always try to accept their mistakes, I always try to be a good man, but I get depressed when I see they do not see this , or even worse they except more!

I usually do not even think about the things I do, I try not to talk about them, but tonight I wanna SHOUT! They tell me that they DO like me, but they are not ready to help me, That’s right, I don’t tell them to do so usually, but at least when I tell them, I really expect them to do so, but they always leave me alone… They even do not expect me to be sad!

I am afraid to say the more I go and try to be ok, I gain less, in past 6 months, 3 people told me one thing with different words: “I DO like you, You ARE extra good, But I can not help you, Please stay as a friend for me, but do NOT expect me anything�?.

I keep everything inside and even though I try, it all fell apart …